but im still here. at the same place. same place physically and emotionally. im still with the same college. i used to think that i wanna go somewhere else after my Masters but im still here! the only thing that i think can bring me further is my research. i really2 hope ill get accepted for the conference in Jakarta. im still working on it. its my first time, so im kina confuse. not sure of what i should do. not sure if its right or wrong. maybe i think too much and put a high hope on it. that's why i cant start even a word on the abstract!!!arghhh!! this is stressful! and i have lotsa assignments to mark plus new subjects syllabus to work on. i know that's not my job. i knooowwww i knowwww!! i just cant stand and watch it not being done correctly. maybe my boss is correct when he said im not much of a person who's good in teaching. im just good in organizing things. maybe i should just take up the job i had in hand before. something i reallyyyyy love to do!!!!! but come to think of it, why do we plan our life? when at one point we choose other route instead?
im still at the same emotion state. i m just too afraid of changes maybe. but i know what i want. maybe im too frighten that i may end up alone. thinking about ***** makes me miserable. i dont want to feel miserable. i managed to stop thinking about this person for couple of months. but when i started thinking about ***** again, it got me back to my miserable state of mind. ***** made me feel inferior. and my self esteem goes down whenever i think about *****. it made me think that only achievements can bring back my self esteem so i wont feel inferior when im with *****, in other words, its good! it drives me to achieve more and more. well i always find ambitious and successful ppl sexy! however, first thing first!